I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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