I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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