she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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