Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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