When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
