her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
