Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
