Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
