and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
