my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
