I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
