How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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