Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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