the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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