theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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