I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
