Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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