Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
