did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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