i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
