No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
