Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
