They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
