I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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