she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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