If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
