Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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