Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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