I bet he comes in French.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
