I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
