Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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