I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
