She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
