how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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