I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
