dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
