I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
