As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
