all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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