Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
