She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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