Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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