My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
