im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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