Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
