Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
