just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
