so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You made out with two different species that night
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
