News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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