I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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