Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
