i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Is it penis luge time yet?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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