You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
