Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
