OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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