I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
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