Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
