Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
