thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
