I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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