I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
